Some thoughts

The World Cup week is over.

Initially I felt extremely bitter, upset, and frankly, pissed off. I spent the last three days in tears, even going to such lengths as breaking down in tears at work in front of co-workers and then trying to convey to them exactly why I was so upset.

The thing is I don't really know what I was/am so upset about, other then I wanted to be the best I could be on the most important day of the year. There were no expectations of me from anyone at any angle, but I found a way to load as much pressure as I could on to my shoulders to the point that I didn't even know why I was racing anymore.

I lost sight of what was important, why I was there and who I was. You can't have a good race when you can't see through a thick fog of the "what could be's", the "what if's" and quite simply an insurrmountable amount of stress.

I didn't ski for the experience and I certainly didn't ski for me or with my heart. I skiied scared of not succeeding- and you absolutley cannot have those thoughts.

The 10k skate was better then tuesday's pursuit, and I was determined to have fun- and I did and I felt like things were coming back together, but a conservative first lap doesn't always lend itself to a gutsy performance...I was afraid to fail. I played it safe and had a good result, but not a result that echos my fitness level or ability. I was paralyzed this week by the fear of "not making it" and now that I have pinpointed it, I think I can move forward.

The last email I sent to my coach stated " I don't think I can move past this" (this was also typed in tears just prior to a colleague knocking on my door-- I was so embarressed!)

Today is a better day and I am slowly shaking the self doubt and replacing it with "fight harder" and "you can do this". ITS NOT GOING to be easy in any way shape or form. Its always going to be hard- but the satisfaction of looking your fears in the face and fighting them is unparalled to anything else.

At first I thought I should quit...but thats the easy way out. I don't ever do anything the easy way...its not in me to quit or to back away. I have been faced with a lot of set backs and a lot of dissappointments, but to come out of them and look back on them and then see where I am now...well its just a temporary lesson. I've learned the lesson and now I need to use it to get faster.

The World Cup Stars are the best in the world because they have stuck through it, they have fought harder then anyone else, they know themselves, they know how to approach challenges and they know how to tiptoe over the edge of potential and defy what they thought was possible. I have to start believing that anything is possible. I have to start believing in myself. I am on the bubble- but I got here in 2yrs...I don't think I am doing anything wrong or that I haven't performed well, I just haved reached my potential.

The most inspirational performances were from Sarah Daitch and Madeline Williams (and of course Chandra- but she has already been on top and has found the recipe to do it again) they both hit their stride this week- I will admit I was green with jealously because they did what they needed to do on the day it mattered. BUT most of all they have worked so hard and have bounced back to perform and prove to the rest of us "independents" that its possible to break through...you just can't be afraid too. I wish them all the best on the World cup over the next month- I'm sure they will light it up!

So now I'm off to Ottawa for Eastern Canadian's...I love this event, there are hundreds of skiiers, great energy and moreso and chance to re-focus an remember why I ski...

Thank you to all those who have sat through the tears the last few days...I'll see you on the trails soon!!