Thoughts

Shayla and I with our new "podium wear"..

Good Afternoon!

So this is the post that I really didn't want to write.

I spent the last eight days trying to push thoughts away, and trying to make a bit of sense of what I'm feeling.

I wish I was posting that I made the World Championships team. I didn't. Instead I was going to write a post that was hopefully motivating and listed off the things that I did wrong and try to put a positive spin on things. There were some things that went well, but really when I look at it from a numbers point of view which is definetly not the most delicate way to look at things. Simply put I wasn't fast enough.

I know, I'm really setting quite the tone for this post, but really thats all I can come up with. I didn't ski tough enough and I couldn't focus enough to fight to get where I needed to be. My body has been recovering quite well from everything this year. I haven't been sick and I've been consistent. All positives, but I haven't been able to go from good to great. I don't think I'm missing an extra 4th or 5th or 6th gear, I've made the finals in ever skate sprint this year. I also don't think I'm lacking endurance or fitness.

Basically I race to fitness which is what gets you in the mix, but it NEVER will make you a winner, it won't allow you to have that extraordinary day where you can't wipe the grin off your face. Racing to fitness puts you in a comfortable place where you almost always know you could have dug deeper.

Wow, this is getting more negative as I go.

In the state of confusion and sadness I have toyed with the idea of quitting- its not "stopping" or "bowing out" and when I spoke with one of my best friends about this his answer was the question " are you wanting to quit because you gave it your all and there are still faster skiiers in front of you or are you quitting because you don't love the sport anymore?". Ahhhh, interesting, it posed a bit of a dilemma in my point blank decision to quit.

I'm still thinking about the answer- I know what your thinking...if you loved it then the answer would be quick. But that is not always true. Sometimes the things you love the most are also what cause the greatest heartache!

All I know is that I am close, so very close and perhaps thats why it hurts the most. I wanted it to be now. I think about the hours of training this summer, the waivering in belief (which may have been what harmed me the most) and well it is overwhelming to think of putting in another summer.

The one positive I will take from this is that I have trained fulltime now for two years and I've made it this far, then what would happen if I added another year to the mix? Its not sacrifice, there is nothing that I have sacrificed. I love my life as an athlete, but I find the road to success quite stressful and I don't deal with it well. I tend to heap so much pressure onto myself that I drag this huge back pack (along with matching suitcase, ski bag, duffle bag and purse) around the course with me. If for once I could push it all aside and just ski for the pure joy of wanting to be the best athlete I can on any given day would probabley result in the accomplishment of goals I have set. So until I can check this baggage I know I will be on layover for a while.

It is frustrating, there is no easy way to deal with it. If I want to fix it, I have so much work to do- and none of that work is physical. I just don't know if I am strong enough to sift through the baggage.

I am fighting every thought to run away from this feeling, but I know that I have to fight it. Its not really about skiing anymore, its about becoming a stronger, tougher person and its a little scary right now.

Thank you to all those who cheered me on at the trials and world cups and thanks to those who have provided advice, hugs and a shoulder to cry on.

The cool part is that all those who were selected (namely Shayla and Chris) must be on cloud nine because the exact opposite of what I'm feeling is complete elation- so I am pretty excited for them. It just echos even more that you need to believe in yourself no matter what, and I haven't really nailed that down yet.

I don't know where I'm off to next. I think I will be heading to Vermont for a Super tour and then to New Hampshire or to do the American Birkie. We also have Western Canadian Champs here in Canmore, but yeah, its a little hard to get amped when you want to be racing world cup wearing your National team suit.

ciao

b